One specific way

For those who think my blog is too generic these days, here is a specific way God is working in my life.


I have a brain tumor. It is benign, and therefore absolutely not as serious as the rampaging malignant ones. Very true. However, it has turned my life upside down, just as challenges in your lives have brought havoc to you.  My hands have a permanent tremor. I can no longer play the piano, a huge loss. The most painful part of this loss is no longer being able to play the music I've written since I was a young teenager.  And, after 20 years, I can no longer practice as a marriage and family therapist, because doing therapy brings on seizures.


The part of my brain that has to do with creativity, memory, and music is now very grumpy. It punishes me with partial seizures of nausea, vertigo, and confusion when I try to do anything my brain considers off limits. The experience is miserable and the list increases by the day: working puzzles, making jewelry, copying diagrams from the board in class last semester, on and on.  Carrying on a conversation that includes one of several types of memory. Yikes. 


Well, how God is working comes down to an upcoming stay in the hospital to evaluate brain waves and brain activity during these unpleasant seizures. This is a step toward treatment of the problem. 


I've actually had this happen before, without "success."  Five days in the neuroscience department in 2007, waiting for measurable seizure activity to show up on the eeg equipment while doing everything I could to make myself feel as dreadful as possible, that just didn't work. The problem, we decided, was that my seizures were too deep in the middle of my brain, and not strong enough to produce the electricity to radiate to the outside of my brain where they could be picked up by the eeg equipment.


This time, we're hoping the greater magnitude and misery caused by the seizures recently will produce greater electrical activity that will show up on the eegs.  Doctors have seen what certainly seem to be seizures during exams; we are pretty sure they are happening.  Also, the dose of seizure meds has been increasing steadily for months, a hint that the seizures themselves are stronger.


Partial seizures kind of feel like there's a cyclone going on in part of my brain, threatening to pull the rest of my brain into a swirling vortex.  I have to concentrate very hard on other activities apart from the swirl to keep from being sucked in.  This takes a lot of concentration, and energy. I'm sleeping or resting most of the day.  I feel like I'm channeling someone else's Southern Belle. 


My husband has been a champion in the midst of this. He has bought me favorite foods to tempt me to eat, trying to keep me from turning into a pile of bones. He is uniformly kind and upbeat, despite what has to be a scary time for him.  He has truly been a gift from God to me, tailored perfectly for my needs. I deeply appreciate all he is doing and love him all the more.


Sorry if this has been a bore to those who are not living the ordeal. It gives you insight into my own personal struggle. You each have your own. God gives us all the grace it takes to fight our battles, and he's been giving me enough to get through this season.  He's giving you the strength, grace, and hope it takes for yours as well. Blessings to you all.


The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; he will be with you. He will not fail or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8