Film at 11

The last post title may have sounded like an attention-grabbing headline. In fact, it wasn't a title at all, it was merely the first sentence of the posting, which became the title when I neglected to choose something else. Please shoot me if I start sounding like the Enquirer.

A dear friend, who has experience with the subject of PTSD and military men, has commented that he is in a hunkered-down mode someone with his training and experience will appropriaptely take on after an event such as the landing on the Hudson. I'll grant her some of that. But after 25+ years of experience of my own related to PTSD, I still consider his flat affect and voice as red flags. I still consider the events of that day beyond the realm of human endurance, and feel he needs a chance to recover no matter how much preparation he had before. I believe my friend agrees.

We live in a society that is addicted to the sensational, the lurid, the outrageous. The heroic act of Captain Sullenberger captured our hearts as a refreshment to our better selves. But we may have "fed" on him, only to move on to the CraigsList killer. What does this say about us?

Many of us have turned off the 24-hour news machine, rather than let it fill us with more darkness about Swine Flu, puppy mills, murder, mayhem, and all the rest. Certainly, I am still up-to-date about recycling and washing my hands enough times a day to satisfy any compulsive, so my Swine Flu risk is minimal. Yes, I find out the news through NPR, newspaper, and enough of TV to tell me what's going on.

But I have mostly stopped letting it pull me into the vortex of gloom. Especially with May Sweeps coming. Prepare for headlines like, "Is your house killing you?" "New dangers in your child's classroom!" "Can you trust the hamburger you ate at lunch? Film at 11!"

It's just too exhausting to keep up--or down with--the media.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anyhing is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things...And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8,9

Has anyone else noticed Captain Chesley (Sulley) Sullenberger's eyes?

You know, the hero of the Miracle on the Hudson. Depending on how recently the photo was taken, his eyes, to me at least, look flat and dead. They look like someone saying, "Please, just give me 10 minutes to absorb what I've been through. What I had to pull off in mere seconds, with all those lives depending on me. Do you have any clue what kind of toll that would take on a human being? But no, here comes another interview. Larry King again? Sure. 60 Minutes? No problem. Book offer? Of course. Jam that mic in my face, and turn on the Kleig lights. I'm absolutely fine."

But his eyes are dead. His voice has no emotion as he keeps reciting the details of the events. He's not taking in all the accolades about his courage. He's having flashbacks.

He was included in the set of people featured on the cover of Parade magazine on April 12, the issue reporting on "What People Earn." According to Parade, Captain Sullenberger earned $100,000 last year. Is that enough to bring his eyes back to life?

I doubt anyone will read this who has the power to stop the feeding frenzy long enough to get the man the Post-Traumatic Stress counseling he desperately needs. He seems like an incredibly stable man, with a supportive wife.

Still I pray he does not crash with his own life before he takes the time to recover. Let him get over his flashbacks--stop making him relive them.

Memo to media: Give the man some time off.

It gets crowded in my head some days. Too much going on sometimes.

Yes, of course, there's that, the benign tumor that only seems to want to act up in seizures these days. But the laying-on of hands and prayer 6 weeks ago, in combination with starting a different medication have brought me back to the closest to normal I've been in a long time. Months of nausea, fuzzy head, and working so very hard to focus on the task in front of me to stay clear despite the blasting of music seizures providing jarring background music. It's actually silent now. How peaceful.

This economy is rather good at narrowing some choices for me:

• Trip to Paris? Not this week
• Spring wardrobe? Are you kidding?
• Groceries? Much more carefully than a year ago

Last night, I heard a speaker refer to the passage in Luke about the disciples fishing all night, catching nothing, but at Jesus' command throwing out their nets one more time, only to be so overloaded that their nets were breaking. One of his takeaways was, "God does give a rip about your finances." Like duh!

Jesus got into the boat with Peter. He couldn't miss how beaten down and exhausted these guys were after a night of working their hearts out for NOTHING. But he asked them to trust him. He wasn't really asking about the nets or the fish.

It was all about trust. Will I put my net down again? Well, WHO is asking the question?

Those of us who have done everything right, who had investments, paid our mortgages on time, kept our credit good--we're the ones who get no help from the government bailout. People I didn't know made decisions affecting the stock market which have affected my portfolio, and therefore, my life for a lot of years.

I was recently reminded not to look at what I used to have, but what I still do have. I think too many times, my resources are sitting like the fish in Peter's ocean, waiting for me to put my nets back in.

First, I have to recognize the full extent of what I have. That attitude of gratidude platitude has become worn out because being grateful works. Everything I need is in my ocean if I put my net down, or Jesus will provide what is missing. We've seen how well he provides!

Like Peter, how can I not be humbled by my own unworthiness to receive God's gifts? How also can I do anything but be awestruck and thankful when I see how generously he gives them?

One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, with the people crowding around him and listening to the word of God, he saw at the water's edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon (Peter), and asked him to put out a little from shore....When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch."

Simon answered, "Master, we're worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."

When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break...

When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken....

So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him. Luke 5:1-11

Hello again, friends.

You know, as I look over Tuesday's post, no matter how many times I edit it (4 or 5 by now), it still looks like I'm bragging about how great I am. I'm debating about taking it down. The reason I put it in is that I'm applying for an academic program that wanted me to give an example of critical thinking skills and grace under pressure, so this story was fresh in my mind.

I'll tell this story very differently on an application essay, pointing out how I thought to make all the calls to the East Coast agencies first, and continued to finesse people for answers when they were reluctant to give me information.

If you look at the story, though, I may have done some things right, but...HELLO! God did the miracle of saving Brenda and her aunt. God used me as his agent to set some activities going, but we will never know what combination of things finally spurred Immigration officers to take Brenda and her aunt off the plane when 90 minutes before, the higher official had said it was impossible to help them.

If you are even still reading, you now know you're not going to get a happy little formula devotional every day.

I'm going to tell you what I'm working on, and what is real. Did the last post sound real to you? It was based on one of the most desperate 24-hour periods of my life. It's murder making that come to life.

I was worried it seemed too long. But it is such a long story. A week crammed into 24 hours. I trimmed and trimmed it. Tell me what you think.

I'm working now on another project about managing your personal crisis. Does anyone want to hear about THAT? I'll put excerpts on the sidebar.

I'd like to address topics that are relevant to other people; this is not my ego-trip. Or at least it's not my intention. If it starts looking like the place is turning into an ego-trip, please bring me back to earth.

God is the Rock who has given me a foundation through all my trials and triumphs. He gets the credit for what HE did. I'll try to stay out of the way.

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten...You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed. Joel 2:25,26

Long ago, I was going through a terrible time in my life. I felt defeated and worthless. I pretty much felt like locust-ravaged ground.

Then God brought Delmy into my life. She barely spoke English, and I spoke hardly any Spanish. She came to clean my house, but instead she brightened my life.

Soon after she started, she told me her sister was traveling from their home country in Central America to bring Delmy's daughter, Brenda, to live with Delmy and her husband. Delmy was overjoyed to have her family come live with her, but she was worried about the dangers of travel.

One day, Delmy arrived, distraught. Brenda and her aunt had made it all the way to California, only to be abandoned by coyotes in the desert. Brenda and her aunt were picked up by U.S. Immigration, and they were in custody. They were scheduled to be deported that evening. According to Delmy, guerrilla gunmen were shooting down returning deportees as they disembarked from their planes in their native country. Delmy had seen it on TV.

Delmy said we only had about four hours to rescue Brenda and her aunt before it was too late.


I started calling international mission organizations, diplomats, lawyers, Immigration employees, officials, every person I could think of or was referred to. As I called, most had responses along the lines of, "I can't really help you. You know, I shouldn't even tell you this, but..." and then the person would tell me the next step to take, or person to try calling.

Finally, I ended up with a local Immigration official, who told me flatly that Brenda and her aunt were not protected by refugee status. There could be no intervention. He offered no help, period.

In desperation, I finally tried the number of an immigration lawyer, who offered to "shoot down the plane" if necessary, to stop the proceedings, for a fee. My then-husband rushed him this fee right away. We never found out if he contacted Immigration. The last report from him was that the plane left on time, and he had no idea if Brenda was on it. Every member of our family went to bed that night, assuming the worst, sick at heart.

We didn't know what to feel as we saw Delmy approach our door the next day, but when she arrived, she was jubilant!

Brenda and her aunt had indeed been seated on the plane, waiting to take off. Then someone from Immigration had come to them, and told them they could get off. They were set free on bail within days. None of us will ever understand all the details, but somehow, some way, God had removed that little girl and her aunt from the plane, and intervened to save their lives.

Ten years later, my family and I went to Brenda's high school graduation ceremony.

Delmy still writes to me, though now we live far apart. "I will never forget," she says. I never will, either.

When I think about high points of seeing God act in my life, this is at the top.
God not only restored the years the locusts had eaten, he worked wonders for all of us.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us... Ephesians 3:20

How much is immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine? And according to God's power, not any human power.

When I see the videos taken from the outer reaches of space, sent back by the Hubble telescope, I begin to get a sense of extraordinary distance and wonder immeasurably farther than our eyes could imagine or even ask to see on our own.

How much more wondrous is it, when I feel God's power personally in my very own day? His power becomes real when he brings in just the answer I needed at the right time, or a the right word from a stranger, or an email from someone I'd forgotten. God brings his power into my life in ways that I haven't even considered--more than I'd asked or imagined.

Even I am sometimes the answer of God in someone else's life. According to his power that is at work in us, says the verse. What an honor! Thank you, Lord.

A beginning. We all have to start somewhere, don't we? Today is the tenth anniversary of the Columbine massacre. It is also the day after my birthday, and three days after my tenth wedding anniversary. One day, April 20, 2009, holds horror, joy, remembrance, healing. A day is obviously not limited to one feeling, one event. I know this, of course, from other overflowing days in my life.

But I still find it mystical. A day takes on whatever size it needs to, to hold the expanses of heaven if it must. What has brought me through the dark days is the history burned into the deepest reaches of my soul that no matter how far I am stretched, God has gone ahead of me.

He is not surprised by any day that comes my way. He knows the plans he has for me, and they are for good. He has no plan B. This is the plan. He will bring me through to a future and a hope. My job is to keep going.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Dear God, Today is overloaded. Too much is going on for me to see you at work in my life. Help me really feel my hope for the plans you have. Help me remember all you have already done for me, so I can be thankful for what you are doing all the time. Thank you for your patience with me.